Dear Mom | part 6

Dear Mom,

What a gut check that first test turned out to be. Your blood work came back positive to have the Alzherimer’s gene. Suck! You don’t know that yet because you are still quite depressed but you have gotten worse even in the last week. You forgot that you ate, you haven’t showered in days, and your short term memory is really bad. I am trying so hard not to get frustrated in speaking to you but I failed at that yesterday Mom and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t think this would be happening so early on in your life… I expected sickness to come at an older age; NOT 63.

Now we wait for your CSF results and your MRI is a few days away. I’m sorry this is happening to you mom. I wish I could take it away from you!

Dear Mom | part 5

Dear Mom,

Last week, you had your initial diagnosis. You refused to take anyone to the doctors with you and I imagined you coming back and telling me they said everything was fine; but you didn’t. Instead you asked me to take you somewhere to get something to eat and you cried. You shared they told you that you had either dementia or Alzheimer’s. You asked them if it could be your old age (63) and they told you no, that something was definitely wrong. Although I knew this was coming, it felt like a sucker punch to my gut so I can only imagine what it felt like to you. Your mind has been really bad lately…your memory is bad…your speech is affected etc. You asked your sister and I to not say anything to your son just yet because you were afraid how he would react. [My brother has been very vocal that there is nothing wrong with mom and she has been this way for most of her life. This is not a true statement and he only sees her about 1x a year so those of us around her see her changes.] Mom, you said the doctors told you to not be alone with your grandkids and you said you were ok if I never wanted you to see them again. Obviously that will NEVER happen. Your grandkids are going to know you whether you have a mental illness or not. I have the privilege of knowing who you are deep inside and I will not keep them from you. My heart broke for you as you heard the news from the doctor and I assured you that you were not going to be a lone through this process. Tomorrow you have a lumbar puncture, Friday a MRI and next Wednesday, an EEG. I’m with you every step of the way. You’ve gone back and forth with wanting me to go with you and today you were texting me asking me why you were having these tests done. I know that you get so frustrated with yourself because you don’t remember or you are unable to process things the way you used to. I try to encourage you but you get really upset. I walk on thin ice all the time when speaking with you but if I can make you feel better for even a moment, I will tread that ice; hell, I’ll dive in the water if I need to. Mom, I love you so much and I know you are afraid. I can feel it, I can hear it in your voice, and I can see it on your face. I promise you that I will never leave you! You said that if these tests confirm what the 2 neurologists said, that you wanted to move by me. I’d love that Mom. I’d love to be able to take care of you and have you closer to your grand kids. You go back and forth with that all the time but if it works out, I’d be happy to have you close by. I’ve already been looking at places closer to me…just in case.

At the end of the day mom, you are not alone. We will get through this together!

Dear Daughter…

My dad died many years ago. He died when I was 6 months old so I never had the opportunity to meet him. To my knowledge, there were never any pictures taken of he and I because well, he wasn’t supposed to die.

Growing up, I had known that right before he died (literally 2 days), he wrote me a letter entitled “Dear Daughter.” It’s a letter I haven’t read in years and has been tucked away at my moms house. After his death, my mom laminated it so it would withstand the test of time and I would have it as a keep sake.

Fast forward to today… (wanna guess where this is going??)
I sent mom a message asking about the letter as I think it’s time that I keep it in my possession. A few years ago, she “cleaned” her house and threw away a lot of stuff. By stuff, I mean pictures of my brother and I growing up, all of our school pictures that I was supposed to get so I could show my children, certificates of whatever – you name it, she tossed it in a fit of rage………. but she kept the letter.

Turns out, she no longer has the letter my dad wrote me. At some point during one of her ‘purging’ moments, she tossed it as she was angry with life and didn’t want anything. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her letter to toss. It wasn’t her call to get rid of it. I keep reminding her to keep her marriage certificate and his death certificate because she keeps wanting to get rid of those.

I’m furious. I’m heart-broken. I’m just lost. It was the one keepsake I had from my father. She refused to give it to me years ago when I asked for it and promised she would keep it. I know that there is something going on with her mentally that causes her to react the way she does but for some reason, the things she is doing is really starting to dig into the depths of my heart. I love her. I will always love her but that doesn’t mean I have to understand her or condone her actions.

I am so truly heartbroken right now.

Fun Fat Fit Girl

I’m taking a break from my mom posts as there have been no new developments and have decided I need some “me” stuff happening. I’m not fit but I do desire to look better. I have decided to start Fun Fat Fit Girl so I can hold myself accountable to working out and I love making a fool of myself so why not do the two together?

Check out

facebook.com/funfatfitgirl   and    instagram.com/funfatfitgirl

Sometimes you just need to laugh (not that I’m saying my stuff is funny) to get through the stress….

Both were just launched today… here’s to making myself look dumb!

Dear Mom | part 4

Dear Mom,

Today is mothers day and I’m a bag of mixed emotions. You received your card in the mail yesterday for Mother’s Day and you proceeded to thank me for your birthday card. It broke my heart a little because I don’t know if you felt like it is truly your birthday or if you just didn’t even take time to read it before you tossed it in the garbage. I texted you today before I went to church and said “Happy Mother’s Day Momma,” to which you replied very blandly. I guess part of me was hoping for you to say that to me as well… but you didn’t and I shouldn’t expect anything I guess.

Today is also a hard day for me mom because it’s a reminder of the child that is in heaven and not with us. I’m struggling to even get through the day as I am being hit on what feels like all sides. Sadness from our baby in heaven, sadness from my mother who well, you know.

At church today, Pastor Jim was really going at it. The worship was absolutely beautiful and as Pastor Jim spoke about motherhood and God, my heart just broke. It broke for you, mom. It broke because while I’m at church you are home alone and not by anyone’s choice but yours. You don’t want to leave the house and you don’t want to see anyone. I’m heart broken over it as I hate seeing you like this but it’s your choice. I can only push you so much before you resent me and push me off to the side.

I love you mom. Gosh I love you so much. I just wish you knew how intense that love is for you so you could understand that you aren’t alone. Don’t be afraid momma… I got you.

Dear Mom | pt 3

Dear Mom,

You’ve been really mean lately. You’ve been saying hurtful things and you have started to push those of us who are close away. I let you know that I was coming down this past Monday to visit and even told you that it wasn’t so I could check up on you. I wanted to get out of the house and let the kids see you and Auntie and Uncle. You were upset and told me that you are an adult and that you didn’t need to be checked up on. Ok – I got it. The next day, the kids and I made our way down. We told you we made it into town and you didn’t respond. I told you we were at Auntie’s house and you said you were going to eat a sandwich and come over. You never did. After 3 hours I had two options. I could either A) come over and force you to see us or B) leave town without you seeing your grandkids knowing that it was your choice to not want to see them. After some thought, I chose option A because no matter what state you are in, I wanted the kids to see you and B would have been really sad if he didn’t get the chance. We all loaded up in my car and headed to your house. Once there, the smell of it was rancid. I am not a smoker and as soon as I opened the door, it was a cloud of smoke. Auntie came with me and you ignored her. A few days prior, she made you angry and you have been taking it out on her which isn’t fair. We went down into your basement where there is absolutely nothing. A room that was once full of memories, items, a washer and dryer among other things was now barren with maybe 2 small pieces of wood. I asked where your washer and dryer were and you stated you got rid of them. I asked where you wash your clothes and you said the laundromat. There is nothing wrong with washing them there but your sister lives right down the road and you refuse to go there. You’ve thrown so many things away. Pictures of my childhood (including all of our yearly school pictures you used to keep in your fire safe for safe keeping), heirlooms from years past and even your mother’s Polish certificate you ripped up and threw away, only to dig out of the trash and try to tape it together. There literally is nothing left from my childhood or before.

Once we came back upstairs, you ignored her. You didn’t talk to her, you wouldn’t look at her and I could tell that it was crushing her. I told the kids after about a 5 minute visit that it was time to go because I didn’t want them to be around that. Your sister is always there for you. She has dropped things for you at the drop of a dime.

We went back to Auntie’s house where you said you were going to come. After 45 minutes, you actually showed up which I’m a little shocked about.

I’m sometimes lost with what to do with you. You are back on the “I’m not going to any more doctors” kick and the words “I’m done” are frequently said. I ordered your full chart from your old doctor and although I expected to see some of the stuff, I was amazed at how many prescriptions you have been given. I say amazed because after every appointment you have ever had, I would always ask you and you have always stated that you were given nothing to help. You hate taking pills so even the vitamin your new doctor wants you to take isn’t being taken. You constantly state you want to feel better but you refuse to take medication that could help because you don’t want to be a “pill-popper.” What am I to do? How am I to help if you won’t let me and you are shutting me out?

Even though I’m lost as to how to help you, I’m not going anywhere. I love you mom and we will get through this together. You don’t have to be afraid mom… I got you!

Dear Mom | pt2

Dear Mom,
Your doctor said you shouldn’t be driving anymore. What you have shared with her has been enough to cause her worry. Of course, you nodded your head as if you were hearing and understood what she said. Once we left, I asked how you felt about it and you didn’t know what I was talking about. You didn’t hear her but you did agree with her. I filled you in on the details and you were blazing mad. How dare she do this to you! The whole way home you begged me not to tell anyone because it would take away your independence. I knew losing that privilege would be hard on you.

She also stated it was time to see a neurologist. All of her medical testing is providing no concrete answers and she feels as though your problem is enough to see one. One minute you are ok with that and the next you are defiant and refuse to go. I know you are scared about it… I know it’s the fear that is driving you to say hurtful things. I don’t know how to talk to you sometimes because one minute you are normal mom and then you are not normal mom. I try to keep my patience but I know that I have been failing you with that as well. I’m so sorry mom. So many times in my life you have been there for me and here I struggle with it in supporting you. I’m not perfect at this but I’m trying.

I love you mom. We will get through this together. You don’t have to be afraid mom… I got you!