Police Wife Life

I have a friend who is dating a cop and they are starting to get more “serious.” She asked for advice on being a cops wife…

Being a cops wife is not for everyone. It’s not easy. It’s often trying and confusing and as you are (your spouse is) with the department longer, it just gets worse. In the beginning, it’s exciting. The stories of chases, whether on foot or by car, are awesome to hear and how they protect and serve is always great to hear. But one day, you realize that you aren’t getting the full picture of a shift. You realize that you are hearing the tolerable stories only because they are afraid to share with you what really happens in a shift. They say it is to protect you and deep inside your heart, you know it’s true. There are a lot and by a lot, I mean A LOT of lonely nights especially if your spouse is on thirds. When they aren’t sleeping the whole day away, they are waking up only to go right back in. Pretty soon, it’s just the norm. You don’t see your spouse a lot. And if your spouse is anything like mine, he’ll be chosen for things like SWAT, sniper school, armorer school, taser training, FTO, etc. They are always gone… if not at work, then at some school training. You support them because you know that they are damn good at what they do but you also struggle because you have a wonderful family that misses daddy.

It’s not easy. It’s a hard road to walk especially in today’s society where there are so many stories of police being ambushed. It’s hard to send your spouse to work knowing that they are in danger, more now than ever before. After years of doing this, you get numb to it. You still don’t want them to leave but learn to treasure the time you have while they are home. You don’t think about them having to leave the next day for work or for training. You focus on the time you have and that has been my greatest reward. I have learned that when 278 is home that he is mine.

It’s not easy. It’s not lavish. It’s not a storybook by far. But it is a life that many of us choose to live because of the love we have for our spouse and the love we have for the profession. We are all a family whether you live on the east coast, west coast or somewhere in between. We are all related by this thing called the blue blood. If I can ever be a support to any wife out there that is struggling with her husband’s job, I’m here. I’ve been through it and am still going through it. Every month, my hubby is gone training for at least a week this year and did this most of last as well. It’s great for his career/resume but it’s hard on us. I’d be lying if I said this was a life I expected because it isn’t. You don’t really know what being a Police Wife is all about until you are one. Although it isn’t want I expected, I love it and I wouldn’t change it.

Sorry if this post seems all jumbled. I have so much on my mind right now that I am having a hard time formulating proper thoughts.

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Vaccines

I have had so many people talking about vaccines lately to the point where I have been asked why I subject my children to such chemicals. At the risk of receiving massive negative feedback, here are my personal thoughts. You see what I did there? I am going to share my opinion.

Vaccines have been around for ages. They have been scrutinized in so many ways and I get it, who wants to put there kid through unnecessary reactions? But what about the parents who give their child peanut butter not knowing they have an allergy? What about the parent who gives their child dairy when they have a sensitivity? I say that to say this, children are different and have different genetic make ups. Yes, some children react negatively to vaccinations. I understand that subjecting your child to the “risk” is bothersome however does it bother you when you subject them to the risk of a peanut allergy attack? But the benefits, oh my lanta! My children are vaccinated and I do not have to worry about them getting certain diseases because I chose to get them vaccinated. Yes, I did my research on them and I found that the benefits far outweighed the risk.

So, the next time you (I’m talking to the anti-vaccine people) want to get upset with me for choosing to vaccinate my child, think about the other risks in life. Don’t let your child eat peanut butter, yogurt, or drink milk. Don’t let them go outside and risk being stung by a bee. Don’t let your child go into an older building for the risk of lead. If you are going to hate so much on something that has been around for ages, hate equally. Don’t discriminate against the peanut plant or dairy farm, hell, get mad at mother nature too! I know you just want to protect your child from what you feel you can but think about the long term benefits for them as well.

That’s my two-cents. Right or wrong, it is my opinion. We are all allowed to have one as that is the beauty of living in the country we do.

My Darling Daughter

My Darling Daughter,
You are amazing. You are funny, beautiful and temperamental. You remind me so much of me with your quirkiness and I can tell that you are going to change the world. It is these moments in your life that you won’t remember. You won’t remember all the times we play on the floor. You won’t remember feeding the dog your dinner and smiling at the fact you are getting away with it. You won’t remember trying to remove your own pants just so you can pee on the floor, then laugh about it whether you succeed or not. You won’t remember all the times you fall asleep on me or how many times you try to play with your older brother. You are persistent, you are strong willed, YOU are amazing.

My Darling Daughter,
You are beautiful beyond words. I never want you to doubt that for one second. in a world that is mesmerized with body image and beauty, you are perfect the way you are. You do not need to change a thing. When you smile, I see your heart. When you smile, I see your happiness. When you smile, I see your beauty for all it is. Let no one change that or tell you differently.

My Darling Daughter,
You are sensitive. I can already tell at your tender age that you love like your mama. You love with all that you are. You hug and hold on as if you feel there will not be another moment with that person. you study people. You mimic people. You are constantly trying to learn. You are stubborn in that you want what you want when you want it. If you do not receive it, you let the world know.

My Darling Daughter,
You have taught me so much in the time I have had you with me. I never thought having such an amazing little girl in my life would change me so drastically. The fact that I want you to be confident means that I need to be as well. How I am, you will be. I do not ever want you to struggle with the things I struggle with. I will tell you each and every day how beautiful, amazing, smart and funny you are so you will never doubt it. I will tell you every day how utterly thankful I am to have you in my life, that God chose me to be your mama. You are truly special.

My Darling Daughter,
I fail. I fail daily at being a person, wife and mom. At this point, you look at me as if I could do no wrong and I know the day will come that you see my flaws for all they are. The expectations I have on myself are to be the best mom and although I will fail at times, I pray that you will forgive me through it. I’m still learning what being a mom to a little girl is all about. Being the “best” mom doesn’t necessarily mean being the perfect mom. I will disappoint you, we will disagree and we may even argue as you progress through this life of yours. At the end of the day, I love you and no matter how bad I mess up, I know you love me too.

Dapper Dad with Darling Daughter

I went out with some girlfriends last night to a restaurant called “the Cork.” It was a small little place nestled in a strip of shops in the downtown area. This establishment was cozy for the size and the atmosphere was very calm and relaxing. The moment I walked in, I noticed a man sitting at a table with his daughter. She was dressed up in a beautiful little dress and he was wearing something long the lines of a business casual look. The whole time we were there, this dad made his daughter the center of his attention. He listened to her. He cared for her. He spoke to her. The whole time he was there, he never once picked up his cell phone or opened up his computer. She was his whole purpose at dinner and it was beautiful.

I think we all need to have an electronic shut down whether it be at home, at the office, or while out with some of your great friends. I remember back to when I was a teenager and cell phones were just coming out. They weren’t extremely techy so the only thing we ever used them for was to make phone calls. Back then, contact with the world was more important than contact with our electronics. Now, you cannot leave the house without having your iPad, iPhone, i-whatever. It is kind of sad. My family made it a point to go away for a day and not use electronics. Granted, my husbands job can call him at any point so we had his on us but he didn’t check it once. Work has a specific ring tone so if it were to ring, we would know to answer it. Checking out was the best thing for us that day. Our children were the center of attention, we were the center of attention.

Hesed…

 

For those of you who do not know me, which is all of you, I lost a baby on December 21st, 2013. I wasn’t very far along but we knew I was pregnant and had our ultrasound done and got to see our little on bouncing around on the screen. I only had the ultrasound done because we knew that something was wrong based on some complications I was having, but there was my baby on the screen before me. The sound of ‘its’ heartbeat was like music to my ears. I could tell that their tiny little heart was going to give out by a few factors. The look on my U/S techs face, the tone in her voice, and the way its heart was beating. The tech, of course, was very reassuring and wouldn’t say what was coming even though I knew. Once back down in the ER, the doc gave it to me straight… “Spontaneous Abortion” is what he said. I was so angry with him that those are the words he chose. Not miscarriage, not loss, but spontaneous abortion. I get it, it’s medical lingo but to a mother who is carrying the child the words cut like a knife. That night, I delivered my baby in the comfort of my own home. I wasn’t poked or prodded because who would want to be?  It was very hard to get through the holidays but alas, I survived.

We named the baby Hesed Abiah. We get a lot of questions about the name. Hesed encompasses all things of God. His love, mercy, grace, joy, everything. Abiah is Hebrew for “God is my father.” We found that to be fitting as our baby was with Jesus and we found comfort in that. For some reason, today has been hard as I think about my little Hesed. I don’t know why today, but it’s been weighing heavy on my heart. 3 months after we lost the baby, we got pregnant again (wasn’t really trying) and we have a beautiful, healthy, wonderful baby girl. Throughout my pregnancy with her, I felt SO guilty. We lost a child and yet here we were pregnant again… how could I be happy? How could I feel joy when I felt so much sadness and emptiness? I honestly thought my baby in heaven was going to be angry with me for being happy … as though I was ok with them being gone. I was upset the WHOLE pregnancy and wouldn’t allow myself to get excited.

My children like to be breech so I had a scheduled c-section 1 week before her due date. She was due on Thanksgiving day so I was quite thankful to have her early so I could enjoy some good home cooking! Anyway, as I was being prepped for surgery, I was still struggling. I didn’t want to resent my daughter but I wasn’t super excited either, like I was with my first child. I was just there, laying through surgery not really feeling anything.

My doctor was amazing. She was talking all the way through it then said to pull down the drape so we would be able to see her be “birthed.” Oh My Lanta… what a moment that was. As my munchkin was pulled from me I started bawling. There she was, my little girl. I loved her instantly and all of the resentment immediately switched to joy and excitement. She was my precious baby and she has taught me so much in her 16 months here.

Why am I sharing this? I don’t know. I miss my Hesed, oh how I miss that sweet baby. One day, I will meet them and I tell myself they would want me to be happy while I’m here on earth, in this moment of time. I have all of eternity to spend with them once it is my time. Until then, they are up there doing whatever it is you do in Heaven.

Glad you’re following me ?? Oye, two sad-ish posts in a row. Next one will be a goodie, promise!

The Dream

Being the wife of a public servant, there are a whirlwind of emotions. Obviously, I am so SO proud of him and all of his accomplishments. He is an amazing cop. However, with all of the media portrayal of police, I fear his passion for his career. I sometimes secretly wish he had chosen a different path but I know this is his calling and I know it couldn’t be any other way. The title of this post is “The Dream.” It’s title for obvious reasons… I keep having a dream, the same dream that is stealing my peace and I just need to share it.
***
My son “B” and I are in the living room playing and watching TV while daddy is at work and my daughter is sleeping. All of a sudden there is a firm knock on my door. Knock, knock, knock. It’s never two, it’s never four; always three. In the 3 seconds it takes me spin 180 degrees to face my door, I have a flash of could it be the neighbor? Is it a solicitor? Someone from church dropping something off? The mailman? So many thoughts are going through my head as I spin around, then I see them and hear B say “mama, daddy’s friends are here.” At that moment my heart sinks because I know that although my son is excited to see daddy’s friends, I know there is another reason why they are here. As the officer on my doorset and I make eye contact through the window as I walk to the door, I try to remember that my son is right here beside me and that I need to stay calm for him. I have difficulty in unlocking the door. I have difficulty turning the knob all while my son is screaming, “hurry mommy, daddy’s friends are here!!”
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump. My heart is still pounding as I finally have strength to turn the knob. I get the main door open but have to somehow get my fingers to work the lock on the storm door.  B is talking but I cannot hear what he is saying because all I can hear is my heartbeat. I’m shaking, sweating, praying. FINALLY the lock breaks free and I open the door and I mouth the words “not in front of my son” to the cop who obliges and says his hello to B. I get B to go back inside to play his games as I step out on the porch. It’s all becomming clear at this point as I see more police arrive at my door. They are telling me that I have to hurry but it feels like my legs are in cement. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. “Hurry, hurry, hurry” is all I hear them say and although the urgency in their voice is telling me what I need to be doing, I can’t move.
***
That’s it. That is the dream. I don’t know how it ends because I always wake up at that moment. I feel that since they were telling me to hurry, that he is ok but I don’t know. I dread that dream. I dread it more than words can describe. I have come to realize that this year alone, so many of us wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, etc have had to live that nightmare. Too many of us. So many do not understand the call of our spouses. So many do not understand the fear that we possess. But, my friends, here’s the kicker. My husband is good at what he does. The awards and accomodations on the shelves speak for themselves. I support him not only because he loves what he does but because I’m trying to put my trust in God.
It’s not easy and I fail daily. I love my husband and the fact there is this war against is profession cannot deter me from supporting him. It surely does not deter him from doing an amazing job each shift.
So, if anyone ever reads this… say a prayer for the officers in your community. They have a family that love them and want them to come home.