Dear Mom | part 4

Dear Mom,

Today is mothers day and I’m a bag of mixed emotions. You received your card in the mail yesterday for Mother’s Day and you proceeded to thank me for your birthday card. It broke my heart a little because I don’t know if you felt like it is truly your birthday or if you just didn’t even take time to read it before you tossed it in the garbage. I texted you today before I went to church and said “Happy Mother’s Day Momma,” to which you replied very blandly. I guess part of me was hoping for you to say that to me as well… but you didn’t and I shouldn’t expect anything I guess.

Today is also a hard day for me mom because it’s a reminder of the child that is in heaven and not with us. I’m struggling to even get through the day as I am being hit on what feels like all sides. Sadness from our baby in heaven, sadness from my mother who well, you know.

At church today, Pastor Jim was really going at it. The worship was absolutely beautiful and as Pastor Jim spoke about motherhood and God, my heart just broke. It broke for you, mom. It broke because while I’m at church you are home alone and not by anyone’s choice but yours. You don’t want to leave the house and you don’t want to see anyone. I’m heart broken over it as I hate seeing you like this but it’s your choice. I can only push you so much before you resent me and push me off to the side.

I love you mom. Gosh I love you so much. I just wish you knew how intense that love is for you so you could understand that you aren’t alone. Don’t be afraid momma… I got you.

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