If you only knew…

GPDPIC

Ah yes, the photograph that broke the internet. As much as I literally laughed out loud at some of the comments (ok, so the we all know what the best comment was) I couldn’t help but think about if these women only truly knew what it was like to be married to one of these guys… Disclaimer: I am not married to one of these but am happily married to a police officer.

If you only knew…that there would be many nights spent alone (yes, even when you have a newborn or sick child).
If you only knew…that I couldn’t tell you when the last time he was at a holiday gathering or birthday…let alone our anniversary.
If you only knew…that sometimes I send him to work afraid of the night he could potentially have.
If you only knew…that women come on to him all the time. You gotta be strong and solid in your relationship. Once you start doubting, trouble starts lurking.
If you only knew…I feel like single mom a lot due to his work schedule.
If you only knew…how my heart sinks when the phone rings or there is someone at the door when he is at work.
If you only knew…the stress that he endures on a daily basis; the constant berating he goes through, the negative attention the media gives “all” police, the people who want to fight, the people who don’t listen.
If you only knew…about the times he’s been sent to the hospital for injuries from the people who want him gone.
If you only knew…that every time he leaves, I MAKE him promise me that he will come home. Yes, I know that he cannot guarantee anything however I personally feel better that he promises me.
If you only knew…the things he sees can not be unseen, the words spoken can not be unheard, the torment of people’s situations can be overpowering.
If you only knew…your children’s first steps, words, special programs at school, sporting events etc will be missed because of work.
If you only knew…

I’m happy to see all the postivity coming from these 3 men in the photograph but know that it is not all roses and daisies. I read so many comments from ladies looking to get them a man in uniform (and trust me, our men do look great in them) but know that being married to a police officer isn’t for everyone.

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Dear Mom | part 7

Dear Mom…

So many more answers are coming in but we are going to find out “officially” what you will be diagnosed with on September 8th. The other day, the neurologist called you in to the office to check your memory (short and long). You said you failed both – which is no surprise to me. I came down to see you yesterday and you were so miserable looking. There was no vibrancy to you; no life left in you. I hate to say it but I think if you didn’t have your cat, then you would be over the edge at this point. You are struggling with everyday tasks and I’m truly wondering when the last time you bathed was. Your PCP called me to give me the MRI results (which you currently still do not know) and she said before reading them to me that we “need to talk about the elephant in the room… she (my mom) has a mental illness.” Those words pierced.

Seeing you yesterday, you spoke about how you were going to win the lottery and what kind of vehicle you would buy. You get so excited to think about the what-if’s but I don’t think you are going to be driving for much longer. I’m hoping that IF you do get an official diagnosis, that you move closer to me. I know that leaving your home will be the worst part of everything…well, I think all your medical stuff. You’re losing your vision, you are very hard of hearing, you have dental issues, and now this mental stuff. You have gotten the full gambit of issues and I’m so proud as to how you are handling it. I know it’s hard. I know it’s confusing. I know that you are scared. Truth is, we are too.

I want the kids to see you as much as often. I want them to remember going for walks with you, playing games with you, remembering you for you…the same for you. I want you to enjoy this time with them for however long you mind allows you to remember. I fear the day that you don’t recall them… or me.

You have been the best mom that you know how to be… I’m trying to take care of you and you still push me away a lot but it doesn’t deter me. I will take care of you to the moon and back momma. It’s ok to be afraid… we will get through this together.

Dear Mom | part 6

Dear Mom,

What a gut check that first test turned out to be. Your blood work came back positive to have the Alzherimer’s gene. Suck! You don’t know that yet because you are still quite depressed but you have gotten worse even in the last week. You forgot that you ate, you haven’t showered in days, and your short term memory is really bad. I am trying so hard not to get frustrated in speaking to you but I failed at that yesterday Mom and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t think this would be happening so early on in your life… I expected sickness to come at an older age; NOT 63.

Now we wait for your CSF results and your MRI is a few days away. I’m sorry this is happening to you mom. I wish I could take it away from you!

Dear Mom | part 5

Dear Mom,

Last week, you had your initial diagnosis. You refused to take anyone to the doctors with you and I imagined you coming back and telling me they said everything was fine; but you didn’t. Instead you asked me to take you somewhere to get something to eat and you cried. You shared they told you that you had either dementia or Alzheimer’s. You asked them if it could be your old age (63) and they told you no, that something was definitely wrong. Although I knew this was coming, it felt like a sucker punch to my gut so I can only imagine what it felt like to you. Your mind has been really bad lately…your memory is bad…your speech is affected etc. You asked your sister and I to not say anything to your son just yet because you were afraid how he would react. [My brother has been very vocal that there is nothing wrong with mom and she has been this way for most of her life. This is not a true statement and he only sees her about 1x a year so those of us around her see her changes.] Mom, you said the doctors told you to not be alone with your grandkids and you said you were ok if I never wanted you to see them again. Obviously that will NEVER happen. Your grandkids are going to know you whether you have a mental illness or not. I have the privilege of knowing who you are deep inside and I will not keep them from you. My heart broke for you as you heard the news from the doctor and I assured you that you were not going to be a lone through this process. Tomorrow you have a lumbar puncture, Friday a MRI and next Wednesday, an EEG. I’m with you every step of the way. You’ve gone back and forth with wanting me to go with you and today you were texting me asking me why you were having these tests done. I know that you get so frustrated with yourself because you don’t remember or you are unable to process things the way you used to. I try to encourage you but you get really upset. I walk on thin ice all the time when speaking with you but if I can make you feel better for even a moment, I will tread that ice; hell, I’ll dive in the water if I need to. Mom, I love you so much and I know you are afraid. I can feel it, I can hear it in your voice, and I can see it on your face. I promise you that I will never leave you! You said that if these tests confirm what the 2 neurologists said, that you wanted to move by me. I’d love that Mom. I’d love to be able to take care of you and have you closer to your grand kids. You go back and forth with that all the time but if it works out, I’d be happy to have you close by. I’ve already been looking at places closer to me…just in case.

At the end of the day mom, you are not alone. We will get through this together!

Dear Daughter…

My dad died many years ago. He died when I was 6 months old so I never had the opportunity to meet him. To my knowledge, there were never any pictures taken of he and I because well, he wasn’t supposed to die.

Growing up, I had known that right before he died (literally 2 days), he wrote me a letter entitled “Dear Daughter.” It’s a letter I haven’t read in years and has been tucked away at my moms house. After his death, my mom laminated it so it would withstand the test of time and I would have it as a keep sake.

Fast forward to today… (wanna guess where this is going??)
I sent mom a message asking about the letter as I think it’s time that I keep it in my possession. A few years ago, she “cleaned” her house and threw away a lot of stuff. By stuff, I mean pictures of my brother and I growing up, all of our school pictures that I was supposed to get so I could show my children, certificates of whatever – you name it, she tossed it in a fit of rage………. but she kept the letter.

Turns out, she no longer has the letter my dad wrote me. At some point during one of her ‘purging’ moments, she tossed it as she was angry with life and didn’t want anything. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her letter to toss. It wasn’t her call to get rid of it. I keep reminding her to keep her marriage certificate and his death certificate because she keeps wanting to get rid of those.

I’m furious. I’m heart-broken. I’m just lost. It was the one keepsake I had from my father. She refused to give it to me years ago when I asked for it and promised she would keep it. I know that there is something going on with her mentally that causes her to react the way she does but for some reason, the things she is doing is really starting to dig into the depths of my heart. I love her. I will always love her but that doesn’t mean I have to understand her or condone her actions.

I am so truly heartbroken right now.

Fun Fat Fit Girl

I’m taking a break from my mom posts as there have been no new developments and have decided I need some “me” stuff happening. I’m not fit but I do desire to look better. I have decided to start Fun Fat Fit Girl so I can hold myself accountable to working out and I love making a fool of myself so why not do the two together?

Check out

facebook.com/funfatfitgirl   and    instagram.com/funfatfitgirl

Sometimes you just need to laugh (not that I’m saying my stuff is funny) to get through the stress….

Both were just launched today… here’s to making myself look dumb!

Dear Mom | part 4

Dear Mom,

Today is mothers day and I’m a bag of mixed emotions. You received your card in the mail yesterday for Mother’s Day and you proceeded to thank me for your birthday card. It broke my heart a little because I don’t know if you felt like it is truly your birthday or if you just didn’t even take time to read it before you tossed it in the garbage. I texted you today before I went to church and said “Happy Mother’s Day Momma,” to which you replied very blandly. I guess part of me was hoping for you to say that to me as well… but you didn’t and I shouldn’t expect anything I guess.

Today is also a hard day for me mom because it’s a reminder of the child that is in heaven and not with us. I’m struggling to even get through the day as I am being hit on what feels like all sides. Sadness from our baby in heaven, sadness from my mother who well, you know.

At church today, Pastor Jim was really going at it. The worship was absolutely beautiful and as Pastor Jim spoke about motherhood and God, my heart just broke. It broke for you, mom. It broke because while I’m at church you are home alone and not by anyone’s choice but yours. You don’t want to leave the house and you don’t want to see anyone. I’m heart broken over it as I hate seeing you like this but it’s your choice. I can only push you so much before you resent me and push me off to the side.

I love you mom. Gosh I love you so much. I just wish you knew how intense that love is for you so you could understand that you aren’t alone. Don’t be afraid momma… I got you.