Dear Mom | pt 3

Dear Mom,

You’ve been really mean lately. You’ve been saying hurtful things and you have started to push those of us who are close away. I let you know that I was coming down this past Monday to visit and even told you that it wasn’t so I could check up on you. I wanted to get out of the house and let the kids see you and Auntie and Uncle. You were upset and told me that you are an adult and that you didn’t need to be checked up on. Ok – I got it. The next day, the kids and I made our way down. We told you we made it into town and you didn’t respond. I told you we were at Auntie’s house and you said you were going to eat a sandwich and come over. You never did. After 3 hours I had two options. I could either A) come over and force you to see us or B) leave town without you seeing your grandkids knowing that it was your choice to not want to see them. After some thought, I chose option A because no matter what state you are in, I wanted the kids to see you and B would have been really sad if he didn’t get the chance. We all loaded up in my car and headed to your house. Once there, the smell of it was rancid. I am not a smoker and as soon as I opened the door, it was a cloud of smoke. Auntie came with me and you ignored her. A few days prior, she made you angry and you have been taking it out on her which isn’t fair. We went down into your basement where there is absolutely nothing. A room that was once full of memories, items, a washer and dryer among other things was now barren with maybe 2 small pieces of wood. I asked where your washer and dryer were and you stated you got rid of them. I asked where you wash your clothes and you said the laundromat. There is nothing wrong with washing them there but your sister lives right down the road and you refuse to go there. You’ve thrown so many things away. Pictures of my childhood (including all of our yearly school pictures you used to keep in your fire safe for safe keeping), heirlooms from years past and even your mother’s Polish certificate you ripped up and threw away, only to dig out of the trash and try to tape it together. There literally is nothing left from my childhood or before.

Once we came back upstairs, you ignored her. You didn’t talk to her, you wouldn’t look at her and I could tell that it was crushing her. I told the kids after about a 5 minute visit that it was time to go because I didn’t want them to be around that. Your sister is always there for you. She has dropped things for you at the drop of a dime.

We went back to Auntie’s house where you said you were going to come. After 45 minutes, you actually showed up which I’m a little shocked about.

I’m sometimes lost with what to do with you. You are back on the “I’m not going to any more doctors” kick and the words “I’m done” are frequently said. I ordered your full chart from your old doctor and although I expected to see some of the stuff, I was amazed at how many prescriptions you have been given. I say amazed because after every appointment you have ever had, I would always ask you and you have always stated that you were given nothing to help. You hate taking pills so even the vitamin your new doctor wants you to take isn’t being taken. You constantly state you want to feel better but you refuse to take medication that could help because you don’t want to be a “pill-popper.” What am I to do? How am I to help if you won’t let me and you are shutting me out?

Even though I’m lost as to how to help you, I’m not going anywhere. I love you mom and we will get through this together. You don’t have to be afraid mom… I got you!

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Dear Mom | pt2

Dear Mom,
Your doctor said you shouldn’t be driving anymore. What you have shared with her has been enough to cause her worry. Of course, you nodded your head as if you were hearing and understood what she said. Once we left, I asked how you felt about it and you didn’t know what I was talking about. You didn’t hear her but you did agree with her. I filled you in on the details and you were blazing mad. How dare she do this to you! The whole way home you begged me not to tell anyone because it would take away your independence. I knew losing that privilege would be hard on you.

She also stated it was time to see a neurologist. All of her medical testing is providing no concrete answers and she feels as though your problem is enough to see one. One minute you are ok with that and the next you are defiant and refuse to go. I know you are scared about it… I know it’s the fear that is driving you to say hurtful things. I don’t know how to talk to you sometimes because one minute you are normal mom and then you are not normal mom. I try to keep my patience but I know that I have been failing you with that as well. I’m so sorry mom. So many times in my life you have been there for me and here I struggle with it in supporting you. I’m not perfect at this but I’m trying.

I love you mom. We will get through this together. You don’t have to be afraid mom… I got you!

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

You haven’t been officially diagnosed yet but I feel it’s coming. Over the past few years, more so in the past one, you’ve been changing. You’re forgetful, emotional, confused with simple commands and are just having a difficult time. One minute you are happy, the next in tears to be followed by anger. You have anxiety attacks now and due to the most recent one, we have found you a new doctor to go to because you were unhappy with your last. You love this new doctor. She treats you so kindly and listens to everything you say. Your blood work came back almost completely normal minus a reading of low Vitamin D. We are moving forward with more plans and appointments to figure this all out. You have changed (not in a bad way) but in a concerning way for your family. As your sister often says, we want the old you back which we may never get. Your doctor now wants you to see a neurologist to which you have been quite angry about. You have stated numerous times you don’t have a mental illness and that the doctor is just going to push pills on you and you are going to become a ‘pill popper’ as you like to call it. You have been bucking the idea of seeing him until yesterday when you spoke to me completely normal about wanting to get help because you were scared about things happening in your life that you didn’t remember.

Mom, I love you so much. No matter what diagnosis you get (if you ever get one) I will be by your side for the good news or bad. WE will get through this together. You don’t have to be afraid Mom… I got you!

Raw

Raw.

Those are the emotions I am feeling right now. At times, I get a little annoyed with all of the ‘live’ videos on my social media account… until I see one with a lot of flashing lights. I click on it and immediately hear “officer shot.” I started scouring over the comments with people asking “where” and then I see it. The name of the city my husband works. I immediately start sending message after message to him while my heart pounds and tears started welling up in my eyes.

Please respond.
Nothing comes through.

I fire off another few messages.
No response.

Finally I see the 3 dots moving and my heart calms a little. At that moment, it came across that it was in the next county over. My heart sank again because it was close to where my husband is and the gunman was still on the loose. Then I hear the words I never want any wife, husband, son, daughter, mother or father to hear.

“It appears as though it has been a fatal shooting.” We all know how the media is and it hasn’t been “confirmed” through other news outlets yet. I’m praying fervently that the channel I was watching heard wrong… that the officer is indeed ok. I’m praying for our brothers and sisters in blue out there looking for this guy to be safe and to find the person at fault for this. I’m praying for the family of this officer who is at the very least, injured and has possibly succumbed to his wounds.

The tears are flowing freely now.

Hug your loved ones who suit up a little tighter. Kiss them. Hold them. And if your loved one is anything like mine, he’ll suit up again tomorrow and fight the good fight another day.

 

Please pray for the Wayne State University Police Department.

The Race

I see so much fear being posted about on social media. I’m not negating it at all. I think those who were Pro-Trump or just Anti-Hillary would have felt the same if she would have won. I get it.

I was told today that he promotes hate within his speech. The amount of hate I have heard today against him is no better than what he is accused of doing. Is it ok because we are upset? Does it make it right? The ‘celebrity’ world is up in arms about how they will not support him and it is trending on how people are looking to move to Canada.

I would hope that the ‘celebrity’ world would help the nation come together. Instead of spewing hate at a man they did not want, they should speak out in support of him. The great nation that is watching their movies or listening to their music, essentially paying them to live the life they do, have spoken. To those wanting to run and flee the country… really? If change is what you wanted in Hillary, why leave? Why not help create change in your community or your congress?

People are upset on what to tell their children. I told mine that America chose who they chose. That is the beauty of America. I’m not going to instill fear in him because of the unknown. I’m not going to tell him I’m upset. I’m not going to be overly excited. It is what it is. America spoke. Now we need to come together. This is not going to change for 4 years so why teach our children to be upset at the American process? Why teach them to be fearful over nothing. Give Trump a chance. He may surprise us all. He may do everything you thought he would do and ruin the country or he may actually change America for the better. We don’t know.

“But Trump promotes hate and was endorsed by the KKK.” Although as an organization, they endorsed him, didn’t the grand dragon (Will Quigg) endorse her? People feel that the BLM movement is a hate group and they endorsed Clinton. Does that make her a person endorsing hate as well? I mean if it makes him a racist, surely we need to be equal in our thinking and say she promotes hate. But surely she doesn’t promote it just as he doesn’t promote racism.

We just have to look at this in a different perspective. Whether you love Trump or hate Trump, he will be our next President. Can we start promoting love and acceptance? Can we come together as a group, a community and a nation? Whether you voted for Trump, Clinton, Stein or Johnson, you did your part in expressing your view in your vote. No matter the outcome, we need to be ok and we need to figure out how to move forward as a unified body of Americans. Hillary said we are “stronger together.” I agree with that… together we can move mountains. Together we spoke last night. Together we will get through the next 4 years!

Congratulations Mr. Trump on your victory. May God bless you and all of us!

I’m White

I’m white. There is no denying that fact.

Does that make me a better person? No.
Does it make me superior in any way, shape or form? No.
Am I privileged? Maybe… but only because I have worked hard for what I have.
Do people treat me better because I’m white? I would hope not.
Am I ashamed that I’m white? No.

I would hope that the content of my character would be why you treat me the way you do. People are divided. You hear more and more about whites vs blacks. We don’t want to bring up a criminals history but lets bring up a police officers. We hear that some university in California wants to bring segregated housing back. How is any of this helping? 10 years ago, there wasn’t an us vs them mentality. Why? Why now must it be that way? There is a video from the “Free Hug” guy going around trying to create change. Why can’t we all be like him? Why can’t we all stop the violence? I’m so frustrated. We are raising our children up in this culture where when we don’t like something, we riot. Our children are seeing this!!! When there was a brutal ambush on police in Dallas, were there riots? Was there protesting? Was there fighting or violence of any kind? No.
To be fair, since this is a racial injustice (so I’ve been told)… where are the riots in Chicago? I read an article yesterday that a 15 year old boy was found dead, badly burned in a trash can. Why are people not rioting for his life? He was 15. He had a whole life in front of him. Help me understand how black on black murder is ok? Help me understand why there isn’t an outcry for this boys life and all of the other lives that have been prematurely taken in Chicago. Help me understand people because I don’t. Instead, I try to explain to my child what this craziness is all about. Instead, I watch my husband suit up only to worry and pray for him hourly while he is at work. Did he do anything wrong? No but he surely has a target on his back.

What has happened to the great USA? Public figures are now boycotting the national anthem talking about how they are suffering. Please, tell me how your millions of fans and millions of dollars is causing you to suffer. Please tell me how, since you want change so bad, that you will use said platform and bank account to help change it. Help create change in Chicago. Help create a bridge between police and communities. Help create a great nation yet again. To have so many prominent figures continue to speak about how there is an us vs them mentality, creates more divide.

Help me understand how this is ok.

Pending…

It’s been awhile. I’m sorry for that. Our life has been crazy and once it settles down, I anticipate this becoming a more regular thing for me. My husband took a different police job in June and we have been in the process of selling our current home and purchasing a new one, all while he commutes back and forth each day and while I have also started homeschooling our 5 year old while our 2 year old runs around all crazy. To say life has been hectic has been an understatement. I am no longer at my job which is just so hard for me. Oh so hard. I was the admin at our church but the admin position for me included way more than it probably should have. If you can name it when it involves church, I did it. The only thing I did not do is preach on Sunday but I have done everything else. It’s crazy to still attend every Sunday, seeing someone else do my job and all the people going to her for help. It’s so hard. I have come to realize that leaving our church should be hard… I get the feeling it means that we have been doing church right.

I really want to tell them the following…

“You guys are lucky. I don’t know if lucky is the word… more like blessed. I have served as your administrative assistant for 5.5 years, some of which was volunteer but most as paid staff. I have seen all the ins and outs of this church. I have gotten to know so many of you guys on so many levels. I am honored to have served as your admin for so long. I say you are lucky, or blessed, or whatever you want to call it because I know your pastors heart for each of you. Since I have started working here, I have been involved in many staff meetings and I can say there hasn’t been one staff meeting that Pastor’s phone has gone off a ga-gillion times. I can also say that if there was enough time in the day, that Rob’s heart for each and everyone here is big enough to call and check on you and where you are at in your walk with the Lord. He cares so much for you and I know that because I’ve been a witness to it. Is there enough time in the day for him to have one on one contact with everyone, no. There isn’t, but know behind the scenes, he prays for you all of the time.

B and I have moved around a lot… we’ve been involved in a lot of churches. From Port Huron to Lapeer; Sterling Heights to Ann Arbor; Saline to New Hudson; and from Bay City to Saginaw. We’ve left a lot of churches in our time but never has leaving a church hurt so bad, and felt so good. I say that because leaving a church, this church, is agonizing to me. Leaving should hurt but it feels good to know why it hurts. It’s the relationships I have with you guys. It’s not easy to just up and walk away from that and quite honestly, it shouldn’t be. I cannot go to my local Walmart and expect the cashier to tell me that my attitude stinks or that she can see Jesus working in my life. Would that be awesome if she did? Heck yes it would but I don’t expect it there where here I do. I have walked in this door on numerous occasions in a really dark place and almost immediately, I was cared for, I was tended to, I was prayed with. Some of you know, some of you don’t but a few days before Christmas in 2013, B and I lost a baby. Some people knew we were expecting, most didn’t. That was seriously a dark time for me and as much as Pastor Rob wanted to help me through it, he’s a guy and didn’t have a clue what to say. Who did I have? The ladies here… Saralyn, Dara, Heather. In the midst of questioning God and crying my eyes out, it was my relationships with the people here who got me through.

You may be wondering, ‘Well, that is nice Misty, however I don’t have those kinds of relationships with people at church’ and to that I say you can have those relationships. When I walked in the door here forever ago, I didn’t have relationships but I did do something that started those relationships. Wanna know what that was??? I SERVED. Yep, I started serving with helping out with office stuff, nursery, scheduling, etc. I got plugged in and BOOM, it was like a bomb went off… I started having deep relationships with people.”

***

I dunno. I really want to express my heart to these people that they absolutely mean the world to me. I’m not very good with talking though so who knows. Maybe I’ll just sit there and cry all service long.

Either way, be praying for me folks. We are slated to close on BOTH houses on the same day with moving afterwards all while the hubby works, the children need tending to, dinner still will need to get made and lets not forget about the dog needing to be cared for. I’m a bucket of stress…