Dear Mom | part 7

Dear Mom…

So many more answers are coming in but we are going to find out “officially” what you will be diagnosed with on September 8th. The other day, the neurologist called you in to the office to check your memory (short and long). You said you failed both – which is no surprise to me. I came down to see you yesterday and you were so miserable looking. There was no vibrancy to you; no life left in you. I hate to say it but I think if you didn’t have your cat, then you would be over the edge at this point. You are struggling with everyday tasks and I’m truly wondering when the last time you bathed was. Your PCP called me to give me the MRI results (which you currently still do not know) and she said before reading them to me that we “need to talk about the elephant in the room… she (my mom) has a mental illness.” Those words pierced.

Seeing you yesterday, you spoke about how you were going to win the lottery and what kind of vehicle you would buy. You get so excited to think about the what-if’s but I don’t think you are going to be driving for much longer. I’m hoping that IF you do get an official diagnosis, that you move closer to me. I know that leaving your home will be the worst part of everything…well, I think all your medical stuff. You’re losing your vision, you are very hard of hearing, you have dental issues, and now this mental stuff. You have gotten the full gambit of issues and I’m so proud as to how you are handling it. I know it’s hard. I know it’s confusing. I know that you are scared. Truth is, we are too.

I want the kids to see you as much as often. I want them to remember going for walks with you, playing games with you, remembering you for you…the same for you. I want you to enjoy this time with them for however long you mind allows you to remember. I fear the day that you don’t recall them… or me.

You have been the best mom that you know how to be… I’m trying to take care of you and you still push me away a lot but it doesn’t deter me. I will take care of you to the moon and back momma. It’s ok to be afraid… we will get through this together.

Dear Mom | part 6

Dear Mom,

What a gut check that first test turned out to be. Your blood work came back positive to have the Alzherimer’s gene. Suck! You don’t know that yet because you are still quite depressed but you have gotten worse even in the last week. You forgot that you ate, you haven’t showered in days, and your short term memory is really bad. I am trying so hard not to get frustrated in speaking to you but I failed at that yesterday Mom and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I didn’t think this would be happening so early on in your life… I expected sickness to come at an older age; NOT 63.

Now we wait for your CSF results and your MRI is a few days away. I’m sorry this is happening to you mom. I wish I could take it away from you!